Podium: Online Literary Magazine > Issues > Issue 9 > Humor > Interview With A Vampire

 


 

 

Interview With A Vampire

Caroline Waxler
 

HR: Thank you for coming in. You are my last appointment.

VP: You have no idea how often I hear that.

HR: So, I’ve read your resume and I think I know all the basic facts. Let’s just jump right into it.

VP: So soon? …Okay, sounds tasty to me…

HR: It’s always nice to see a candidate lean so far forward, shows enthusiasm, I think, but, gosh, it looks like you are poised to fly out of your seat!

This should be a relaxing conversation. Just getting to know each other...

VP: I’d like that.

HR: At what point did you choose this career?

VP: It chose me, really, but can I just tell you it really seems like five hundred years ago?

HR: I know the feeling. What do you think are the qualifications and personal characteristics necessary for success? Do you have them?

VP: Absolutely! I have a passion, a thirst for it, and beyond it all I have years, decades, centuries, even, worth of stamina.

HR: So, how do you deal with high-pressure situations?

VP: Honestly, if I see a Lipitor bottle, I’m out of there.

HR: You are such a cut-up.

VP: That’s what they say. By the way, if I may be so bold, I noticed that your blood pressure is just fine.

HR: How ever did you know that?

VP: When you’ve been a people person for as long as I have you begin to smell what’s going on beneath the surface. In fact, if you like, I can come closer and show you my trick to reveal with 100% certainly what your blood type is.

HR: Well, hmm, that won’t be necessary, but if you get hired, Ill keep that in mind for the talent show.

VP: I’d like that very much. Are you certain I can’t show you now?

HR: Won’t be necessary. Please do sit back down. So, have you ever had difficulty with a supervisor or instructor? How did you resolve the conflict?

VP: I tend to be a self-starter but when I was watched over once by a difficult person we just batted around the problem and flew in circles for a while. At the end, you could say, it was just case-closed.

HR: Sounds pretty final. Ok, given the investment our company would have to make in hiring and training you, can you give us a reason to bring you onboard?

VP: Honestly, how many of your other employees really love to take a bite out of their jobs and will work for you all night? Let me give you a demo.

HR: At some point, but that won’t be necessary right now. Also, I’m not sure how you got on this side of the desk.

VP: It pays to be aggressive in this industry. There are a lot of bloodsuckers out there.

HR: But we are big believers in personal space here.

VP: Right, that’s where I do my best work.

HR: Fine, if you insist on being so close at least stop crying every time you look at my crucifix.

Now, finally, since we have a few plans of attack here, are you more energized by working with data or by collaborating with other individuals?

VP: Oh! Anyone who knows me can assure you that I work much better with individuals. There’s really no life in data.

HR: Sounds like there won’t be after you arrive! Well, Mr. Peyre, or should I say Van, you’ll fit in great around here. Countrywide is thrilled to welcome you to our mortgage loans team. I have no doubt that you’ll make subprime broker of the year for 2006!

Now, please, stop throwing away my garlic knots.

Caroline Waxler was recently named the online content director for Lucky magazine. She has written for Financial Times, Forbes, Fortune, Glamour, Huffington Post, Newsweek, New York Post, and The New York Times. In 2009 she edited Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a book on Bernard Madoff.