Jerry Lieblich
Who
Ned - twentysomething
Natalie - twentysomething
Michael - twentysomething
The Demon - twentythousandsomething
Homer - a bear
The Demon and Homer are probably puppets, unless production allows for an
actual demon and/or bear.
Where
Brooklyn, or something like it.
When
The present, or something like it.
Why
Part One.
1.
Ned’s apartment. Ned in the Kitchenette.
He pulls out a small tape recorder. Presses
“record.” Click.
NED
Sometimes
at night
I dream
I’m Beyonce.
Dancing.
I’m astonishing.
(Half singing)
“All the single ladies
all the single ladies
all the single ladies
all the single ladies.”
I’m amazing.
My moves:
perfect.
My body:
flawless.
My skin:
immaculate.
My friends call me “B.”
“All the single ladies
all the single ladies
all the single ladies
all the single ladies”
Hmm...
He pulls out a carton of eggs. Lights up the
stove. Cracks an egg into a bowl. It’s bloody.
NED
Huh.
He tosses it in the trash, or pours it down the
sink.
Another egg. Also bloody. Same ritual.
NED
Um.
People stop me on the street
They say “Hey B
sing us that single ladies song!”
(Another bloody egg. Same ritual.)
And I say “no way”
(Bloody egg. Down the sink.)
“I am a woman of artistic integrity.”
(Again.)
“I only sing songs
(Again.)
By John Cage
(Again.)
Or Steve Reich.”
(Again.)
What...
He clicks off the recorder.
Next egg. Bloody. Next egg. Bloody. Next egg.
Bloody.
By now there’s only one egg left in the
carton.
He cracks it open. A surprising number of
human-looking teeth pour out of it.
NED
...Teeth...?
He doesn’t dump it out. He just looks at it.
2.
The stoop. Natalie sits, smoking. She’s
hungover, wearing sunglasses. It’s too damn
bright.
Ned walks out. Sees her. She’s cute.
He almost walks by.
NED
Hey, um
Do you have a...?
She looks at him. Hands him a cigarette.
NED
Thanks.
D’you have a...?
She hands him a lighter.
NED
Thanks.
He lights up. Takes a drag.
NED
(He’s never smoked a day in his life.)
Quit a while ago
But
You know how it is
Pause.
NED
I’m Ned, by the way.
(No response.)
And you are...?
NATALIE
Natalie.
NED
Hi
Good to
meet you.
They smoke.
NED
I’ve been thinking about getting some chickens.
Maybe just one or two.
Who knows.
You live here?
NATALIE
Mmhmm
NED
Cool, me too.
4F.
I’ve been thinking about getting some chickens.
For the back yard.
Eggs.
You know?
Thought it might be
um
neat.
Fun.
Never raised chickens before.
NATALIE
You’d have to clear it with the super
NED
Yeah
Yeah
Guess so.
They smoke.
NED
I work in design
I’m a designer
NATALIE
Cool
NED
Industrial mostly
Product design
Luggage, right now
Designing a set of luggage
For, uh
Actually I can’t tell you who it’s for.
kind of a
secret
NATALIE
Neat.
They smoke.
NED
And you...
NATALIE
I work at the zoo.
NED
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Really?
NATALIE
Yep.
NED
That’s...
That’s awesome.
(An attempt at a joke.)
Probably don’t know anything about chickens, do you
NATALIE
No, not really.
NED
Hmm.
They smoke.
NED
What do you do at the zoo?
Hah, that rhymed.
NATALIE
I’m in large mammals.
Bears.
Goats.
Our bison.
NED
Cool.
NATALIE
I studied reptiles
But.
Hey, it’s a living.
NED
Yeah.
She finishes her cigarette. Stamps it out.
NATALIE
I gotta run.
Bus.
NED
Right.
NATALIE
Nice to meet you
NED
Ned.
NATALIE
Right.
Nice to meet you, Ned.
And she’s off.